|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
The White Dog
by Becky Tailweaver
Chapter 19: Nightmare Memory
Late that night, when everyone was asleep in bed, Kagome was awakened by something hard bumping against her. She realized that Inuyasha had simply moved in his sleep, in his usual place next to her, so she turned over and tried to drift back off. She was nudged again, and this time a soft, sharp yelp jerked her completely awake.
Did that...did that come out of Inuyasha? She sat up suddenly, turning to find the dog-demon in his familiar place at her side. But what she saw shocked her.
Inuyasha was sprawled out on his side, not curled, his limbs twitching and jerking as though he were running or struggling, his claws gouging the wood. His ears were pinned flat back like they'd been in the deep rat caves beneath Hitai Mountain. His face was wrenched in torment, his mouth open as he panted raggedly, emitting small, pained cries. The pitiful whimpers were so unlike him that she stared in bewilderment for some time. He seemed so agonized, so angry, so afraid.
Sometimes his sounds almost seemed like words, but they were so garbled by doglike cries of pain that she could not distinguish them. She realized that her companion was trapped in the throes of some horrible nightmare that he could not escape, and her heart beat fast at the thought of his torment. She reached out to him, to pull him free of the dreams. She was about to reach him when a demonic presence tingled in her perceptions.
"Don't touch him."
Shirokiba's half-whispered voice startled her back. The wolf-dog demon came silently through Kaede's door, emerging out of the darkness to crouch beside her. Gently, he grasped the edge of her sleeping bag and pulled her away, sliding her across the wooden floor until they were several feet away from Inuyasha. His voice was a mere husky whisper. "If you startle him now, he may strike you."
Kagome gaped at the wolf-dog in confusion, her mouth open to ask why.
"He has nightmares sometimes," Shirokiba told her softly. "He lives what was done to him over and over."
"I've never--" Kagome tried to say.
"He's never slept so close to you when it's happened before," he stated. "When he was with me, he had them almost every night. Gradually, they became less frequent as time passed; but still, every so often, they return. Tonight is one of those nights."
"What's he dreaming?" Kagome whispered.
"I'm not sure," Shirokiba replied softly, regretfully. "Kaede's herbs triggered a memory in him this afternoon--something about the time he lay healing in my den. Somehow any memories of that time spawn recollections of his darker past before it. Even I don't know exactly what happened before I found him."
"What do you know?"
"Listen; I'm only going to tell you this because I know he trusts you." Shirokiba thought for long minutes before beginning to speak. "His parents died not long before I found him. I know that Sesshomaru did more than just toss him in a rat pit. Beyond that, the details...I don't know. You have to ask him yourself."
Kagome stared at Inuyasha's twitching form, wincing as he yelped softly again. "It must have been horrible," she breathed.
"When I found him," Shirokiba continued, "I couldn't believe someone had done that to a child. He was almost unrecognizeable. If I hadn't been able to smell him, I would not have noticed he was anything but a dead animal. I've seen some horrifying things in my time, but what Sesshomaru did to him made me sick."
"He told me a little," Kagome confessed. "He said Sesshomaru threw him in there...and the rats bit him. He said they chewed his ears off."
"I don't doubt it," Shirokiba replied. "But there was more than rat bites on him. That was just his head and arms. He was so much worse..." The wolf-dog swallowed. "It was the first time I'd felt pity like that in my life. It was the first time I'd ever cried."
Kagome stared. For a creature such as a demon to be moved to tears...
"Inuyasha was...broken," Shirokiba whispered. "God, half the bones in his body had to be cracked. How he survived so long in the water--and then climbed out of that pit with his hands so smashed--I'll never know. He was a mass of bruises, and those damn poison claws of his brother's had nearly taken all the skin off his body. He was lacerated to the bone in places. I couldn't believe he was alive when I found him all curled up in the mud under a bush. He was so tiny and torn up, like a little blind wolf cub that had been mauled by a bear."
Kagome's cheeks were wet with tears. She was crying silently, her eyes fixed on the sleeping dog-demon trapped in the throes of nightmares--horror memories in which he relived the torture, the abuse, the abandonment. And he'd been only a child--five years old, by his own words. "Oh...oh...Inuyasha..." She could not get her voice to say more. It was ever so much worse than what he'd told her before.
Shirokiba emitted an almost silent growl. "The worst part was that I could see the wounds had not been made with the intent to kill. None of them were lethal. I could tell that whoever did it had not intended for him to die, but to live and suffer. It...infuriated me. It made me feel sick that any demon could stoop so low. He was only a child, Kagome--little more than a baby. I'd never cried in pity for anyone before in my life, but I did when I brought him home and began to realize what had been done to him."
Kagome could do little more than try to stem the flow of her own tears--a flow that would not cease. Her heart hurt to know such awful things had been done to her Inuyasha. "How...how did he survive? He couldn't have just gotten better..."
Shirokiba settled back against the wall, his blue-gold eyes glowing softly in the dim moonlight from the window. "He was nearly dead--almost frozen from the rain, starved for days, and sick from infection and cold. He was hypothermic when I took him in, and nearly drowned in his own blood. He developed pneumonia from the water, the cold, and his injuries. I bandaged his wounds...he looked like a mummy with all the wraps. He was so sick he couldn't keep anything down. There were nights I thought his shallow, ragged breaths would just stop...he was so weak...but they kept on, one after another, until morning. It was a week before he even opened his eyes, Kagome."
She nodded, still crying, listening to every sad word.
"I didn't know who he was when I took him in," Shirokiba confessed. "I didn't know who'd done it to him, or where he'd come from--the rain took care of any trails. I had to wait three weeks before he was once again recognizable as a demon--or a human, or anything at all. It was more than a month before he could even sit up, or even begin to feed himself."
"That's good..."
"But he wasn't awake, Kagome," Shirokiba whispered. "Even after he did sit up, all he did was...stare. He was completely catatonic. While his injuries finished healing...for weeks, all he did was stare at the wall. He never acknowleged me; I put food in front of him and he'd never notice it. I had to force-feed him broth, but there was little else I could do. He was like a living doll; moving, but...dead. He was still so in shock that his mind was...gone...far away."
Kagome could hear the crack in Shirokiba's voice. She knew the wolf-dog demon cared a great deal for Inuyasha; this had to be a painful memory for him as well. "How did he ever...?"
"How did he ever come out of it?" Shirokiba mused. "That I don't know. It's a miracle he isn't still that way...or even a raging lunatic after what happened. All I know is one night he just...woke up."
"How?"
"It was in the middle of the night," the wolf-dog went on. "I awoke to his screams. It was the first sounds I'd heard him make other than gasps and whimpers while he lay sick. It must have been his first nightmare recollection--it must have jolted him out of his stupor. I found him sitting up in his bed, ripping at his remaining bandages and crying. It had to be a nightmare that woke him up--when his memory began to return. There was finally awareness in his eyes...and so much pain. He saw me, and he was scared--so scared. He was struggling in the bed, against the bandages, away from me. When he saw me he kept screaming, 'Who are you? Where's my momma? Where am I?' And I realized he couldn't remember anything about me or my help to him."
"So he just woke up? After more than a month?"
Shirokiba shook his head sadly. "After all this time, I still don't know how. I told him I was a friend, that I'd found him in the forest and I wanted to help him. Finally he stopped struggling. I held him; I rocked him while he cried. It was all I could do. He sobbed for so long, crying for his mother. It was all he did that first night. He cried for hours, until he fell asleep again--real sleep this time. The next morning, he was a little calmer, and I managed to get his name out of him, and a little of what had happened. I finally realized that not only was he a White Dog, but he was Lord Seibunishi's young halfling son. That his own brother had done this to him was absolutely infuriating to me. I kept him with me--I left the central Western Lands and raised him in secret, where Sesshomaru couldn't find him. I taught him to hunt, to fight, and to survive."
Shirokiba cleared his throat. "To this day, Inuyasha does not remember what happened between his encounter with Sesshomaru and the rats, and the night he truly awoke. Those weeks he lay sick to death with pneumonia and fever are forever lost to him. But his memories of the trauma itself are always fresh, like a wound that never heals. It is his one scar that never faded."
"Why not?"
"It's a hurt that he won't share, out of either fear or shame," Shirokiba told her. "It is festering inside him, pressed deep down within and never allowed to surface. He's never allowed it to bleed, to become clean and heal. Look; when I first knew him, when he awoke, he was shy and quiet, very gentle and unobtrusive. I managed to tease out that he'd lived pretty much peacefully, living with his mother and enjoying a normal life. He was totally unprepared for the kind of brutality he suffered. As he stayed with me, and he healed, he began to change. He suffered horrible nightmares every night for a while--he'd awaken screaming two or three times a night. During the day, the sight of a rodent or the smell of blood could send him into a mind-halting flashback. He was horribly marked for a long time--at first, he was afraid to leave my den because his features were so scarred.
"Gradually, though, the scars faded, and with them the quiet, gentle child he'd been. Months passed, and the nightmares and flashbacks became less frequent; Inuyasha became more withdrawn, sullen, and moody. To survive, to cope, he was pushing everything down--all his emotions, all his memories. He didn't want to feel the pain any more, so he forced it away from himself. And with it, everything else--every recollection, every emotional bond, every person who tried to approach. He trusted no one, talked with no one; I was the only person he shared hardly two words with. It took a long time before he'd speak much to even me. I think he'd just gained back enough confidence to function--even in his withdrawn state--when he discovered the Shikon Jewel and decided to leave me."
"And he found Kikyo," Kagome said quietly.
"Not immediately. He wandered for four years searching for the Jewel. For four years, he became the horror you might have heard about: Inuyasha who seeks the Shikon Jewel; the white wolf, bane of humankind; the golden-eyed demon of terror parents frightened their children with. For four years, he unleashed all the hatred and pain and rage that had been bottled up inside him while he stayed with me--he let it out in the form of power, battling demons twice his size and age and tearing them apart. For four years, he was truly a monster, even while he was still a little boy. I didn't know what hurt worse--knowing that the abuse he'd suffered had caused a sweet, gentle child to become a night-stalking horror, or knowing that I'd kept him alive to become this thing he most hated."
"So he was...like Sesshomaru...for a while?"
"For a while...worse. By the time he located the Shikon Jewel, Inuyasha was essentially the same as how he was when you first met him--sullen, withdrawn, aggressive, dangerous; he snarled at any who dared approach and was truly dangerous to everyone around him. He managed to pack away all the emotions and memories from his experience with his brother and use his own cruel, surly personality as his wall against hurt from inside and out. And when he found the Jewel, and Kikyo, he found something he'd never encountered before--someone who could beat him without hurting him, someone who treated him fairly as an honorable enemy instead of a monster or an inferior. He found in her a friend, a thread of trust, a way to reach for a new life. He found in her someone who would listen. I think he told Kikyo far more than he ever told me. In some small way, he was able to find his heart again. She helped him a great deal. He found...hope."
"And then the worst possible thing happened," Kagome realized. "All the trust and friendship he'd worked so hard for...all of that was ripped away again."
Shirokiba nodded silently. "I'm surprised he didn't go utterly mad then and there. I think he did, for a little while, invading the village and attacking the townsfolk in his search for the Jewel. It was like his wandering years all over again. These people were lucky Kikyo trapped him when she did, before he could use the Shikon Jewel. And it must have been you that kept him from going over the edge when he awakened again. I still think it's a miracle that Inuyasha is not insane now. It must have been you..."
"I can't believe he...survived all of that," Kagome finally confessed, swallowing the hard lump in her throat.
"His will to live is powerful," Shirokiba said, touching her shoulder gently. "It's the only thing that kept him alive and sane at first. Even after he met Kikyo...Kagome, it took him two years to learn to trust even her. He's become close to you so much more quickly; I think he's found a new purpose in you--something special he's never had before. You give him the strength to fight off the devils that torment him. You give him the resolve to stand firm against the madness for one more day. You give him something to live for, something to protect, something to find meaning in. Kagome, for his sake...don't ever leave him." Shirokiba's voice became soft, almost pleading. "Don't go away--and don't die. I don't think he could take it again."
Kagome wiped her eyes, looking over at the huddled, twitching form she'd left alone in the middle of the floor. "What can we do for him?" she asked, her voice tremulous. She wanted so badly to help, to free him from the monsters that tortured his mind.
"Nothing, now," Shirokiba said sadly. "He's reliving his mother's death, Sesshomaru's abuse, and his weeks of pain in recovery after he awoke. During a time like this he's very hard to wake--and if you do manage it, he's violent and might not recognize you."
"He's so alone," Kagome said, her tears welling anew. "He's hurting, and all we can do is sit by and do nothing?"
Shirokiba looked pained. "Kagome, there's nothing I'd like better than to free him of those awful dreams, and those horrible memories, but only one person can do that--and it's him. He has to work through what happened."
"He hasn't yet," Kagome asserted softly. "He's feeling it all again. Over and over, because it's trapped inside him and he can't let it out by himself. He needs help, Shirokiba."
"I know," the wolf-dog replied, helpless. "But I can't do anything."
Kagome turned her gaze back to Inuyasha, who let out a particularly sharp yip and writhed, his breathing hard and irregular. Her eyes softened, but her jaw set. "I can."
"Kagome, don't--!" Shirokiba hissed.
Kagome was already out of her sleeping bag and crawling across the floor. She paused to smile back at him. "He won't hurt me."
"Kagome..."
She lay down facing his dream-sprawled form, taking him into her arms and holding him despite his jerking limbs and helpless cries. "Inuyasha," she murmured softly close to his ear. "Inuyasha, it's me. I'm Kagome. I'm here with you...right beside you. Hear me?" She pulled him close, tucking his head under her chin in a motherly manner and keeping her lips near his sensitive ears.
Despite his twitching, one ear became still, oriented towards her voice. "I'm here," she continued softly. "I'm right here, and I'm not leaving. No matter what happens, I'm still here."
Shirokiba sat back in amazement as Inuyasha actually reached out to her, holding her quickly and tightly as if Kagome were his lifeline. Those hands could easily snap bones, slice flesh--he could easily destroy the girl's body in his panicked grip, yet he only held her firmly, as if he knew it was her; as if to reassure himself that she was there. The wolf-dog couldn't believe it; Kagome was reaching him through the dream--reaching him and comforting him and bringing reality back to him.
"I'm here. I'll always be here, and I'll never leave you. I promise with all my heart I'll stay beside you no matter what happens." Kagome's soft voice went on, and though he might not have understood the words, Inuyasha's sharp yelps soon stopped. He nuzzled close to her throat, holding her tight, his only cries now small, pitiful whimpers like a child awakened from a nightmare; like a puppy reunited with his mother and eager to be reassured. Both Kagome and Shirokiba were surprised to see tears leaking from Inuyasha's eyes.
"My God..." Shirokiba marveled. "He's calming. I never thought...I never thought he'd be able to break the cycle. It was you...your voice..." He stared at the girl, his eyes wide with realization. "Impossible! He's truly that close to you... It's a bond--isn't it? You two children are...actually...?"
Kagome didn't dare ask what he meant; it would require her to take her attention from Inuyasha and she had a feeling that Shirokiba wouldn't tell her anyway. So she continued to hold the distraught dog-demon in her arms until his final trembling ceased and his breathing fell to normal once more.
However, when Kagome tried to leave, Inuyasha would give a small puppylike cry, grip her tighter, and prevent her from pulling free. He needed her; he wouldn't or couldn't let her go. So she stayed in his arms, knowing he shared her warmth and presence openly tonight. For once, he needed her utterly, and she could not refuse him.
Shirokiba unfolded Kagome's sleeping bag and placed it over the two sleepers. With an amazed smile, he looked down at the two heads that peeped out from the impromptu blanket--one black and one white. As different as night and day, yet each as essential to the other as water, needing each other on a level few beings--demons or mortals--could ever comprehend.
"Kagome?"
"Yes?" the girl replied softly.
"Before you leave tomorrow, would you meet with me in the woods...alone?" Shirokiba asked hesitantly. "I want to talk with you about Inuyasha."
"I'll be there," Kagome said firmly. "Your tree?"
"Yes. Good night."
"Good night, Shirokiba. Thank you."
There was no more sound. The wolf-dog demon had already gone, disappearing into the night without a trace.
To be continued...