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Chapter 18: Panic Attack

Kaede's herbs had only taken a couple of hours. Kagome found herself to be of little help to the old woman, seeing as how she knew almost nothing about healing herbs, but she learned a bit as they went along and Kaede seemed happy to teach her. She now knew a few herbs that could help break a fever, reduce bleeding, put a person to sleep, and soothe burns.

She soon ended up wandering through the outskirts of the village, wondering when Inuyasha was going to return. She found herself longing for the warm, reassuring sensation of his presence nearby, and wondered if he got any similar sensations from her. Her presence did seem to comfort him and make him stronger, but she wasn't absolutely sure. But he was able to fall asleep easily near her, and as Kaede had said, with her beside him he slept like the dead.

The memory of him sleeping peacefully on the towel beside her came back to her; she rubbed his ears, soothing his cares away--and then she lay down beside him, close to his warmth, her skin brushing his and sending tingles through her.

Soon, the tingles turned cold and she realized a demon was approaching. She panicked, whirled--and spotted Ginnezu strolling up the village street towards her. She said nothing as the dog-demon passed her by.

But Ginnezu looked over her shoulder, a smug, snarling expression on her beautiful face. "I win," she said softly, her voice little more than a purring growl. "See you around, human girl." With that, she continued on without a backward glance, heading for her customary perch atop Kaede's roof.

Kagome felt a shock thrill through her as she turned and hurried away. What had Ginnezu won? What did she mean? Her memory rewound to Inuyasha's close encounter with Ginnezu the previous afternoon. The thought of the female dog-demon wrapping her arms around him made Kagome frown in anger, her countenance darkening. That hussy! she thought. Throwing herself at him like that! She made him feel so bad he was almost sick about it! Is that what she won? Is that what she's talking about?

What was she up to? What had Ginnezu done to make Inuyasha react like that? Whatever she'd done, it had turned him fierce and...inhuman for a moment. It had frightened Kagome as much as it had Inuyasha. It also made her inexplicably jealous, as if Ginnezu had something, some part of Inuyasha that Kagome would never know.

She does, Kagome realized. She's a dog-demon. Half of him is like her. He can be so nice; he's been so...human lately I've forgotten there's a whole other side to him. She knows that side better than I do.

"I win."

Ginnezu's echoing words made her grit her teeth. No way. No way is she going to do anything to Inuyasha! Even if I have to win him for myself, I can't let her take him away!

Her own thoughts surprised her, but she felt she had no choice but to proceed. And how to do it? How could a helpless little human girl like Kagome ever understand that side of him that Ginnezu had such easy access to? All she could do was relate to his human half; in a way, she was dependent on it--it gave her her only window into the being that was Inuyasha. Somehow, she knew, to be able to understand Inuyasha, she had to understand all of him.

And to do that, she had to learn.

But Inuyasha would not talk to her...or else he didn't know much himself. And Ginnezu... Kagome shuddered. Ginnezu would not tell her anything useful. The only one she could perhaps depend on was Shirokiba. Despite the fact that he was a demon, he was a friend of Inuyasha's and he was quite nice, at least in her experience. She wasn't afraid of him like she was of Ginnezu. Oh, she feared him, but it was more like a respectful fear--she recognized his strength and prowess and did not have any doubts that he could kill her in an instant. Her only safety line was that he knew she was Inuyasha's friend.

Dare she seek him out to ask him the questions she had? And why did she want to ask him? Was she prepared to do what she was planning? Was she ready to face the consequences of reaching out to Inuyasha?

I want to, she thought firmly. I've made up my mind. I don't care about Ginnezu. It doesn't matter that he might hate me. I want to do this...for myself. For him. He struck Kikyo for me--can I give less for him? I want to do this because I love him, and I want him to know that. If only I wasn't so afraid to tell him!

The forest was so nice and still, Kagome mused as she let her feet lead her beyond the well and deeper into Inuyasha's Forest. She'd found herself longing for Inuyasha's presence, for the warmth and contentment his proximity brought, so she wandered out into the woods in hopes of running across him.

Or, more accurately, that he would notice her and come running. She didn't have a hope of locating him in these woods.

I wonder if he's still hunting? she thought with a shiver. She hadn't actually seen him hunt before. Sure, she'd seen him in action, ripping demons to shreds, but that wasn't like hunting. That was battle. She imagined hunting was more like what she'd seen on the nature channel back home--fast and quiet while running the prey into the ground, dragging down a moose or something like the timber wolves on television.

She was deep in the woods, now, far beyond the safety of the trails. She knew that if she didn't find him soon, she was most likely to end up lost. She began to get worried. Did he already go back? Am I just wandering around here for nothing?

The forest's quiet became suddenly oppressive. The tiny cheeps of birds and rustles of squirrels gradually faded out, making her footsteps loud in the silence. A flicker of movement caught her eye.

A small brown deer browsed in a thicket in a slightly clearer patch of woods not forty feet from her. She stopped, almost holding her breath, to watch in silent wonder as the animal delicately plucked leaves and chewed on twigs. It was a fine young doe, relaxed but alert as she fed on the rich foliage of the thicket. Kagome let herself smile as she watched; the doe seemed to glance at her, unconcerned, then return to eating.

There was no warning. No sound, no sensation, no hint of presence until movement blurred through the bushes. The deer had no time to leap, nor even bleat in fear. There was no growl from the hunter, no sound at all. Merely the thud of bodies colliding, the sharp crack! as fangs bit deep and broke the neck with a twist of the hunter's head; a wet ripping sound as sharp claws tore out the throat. The doe did not suffer--she was dead far too quickly.

Kagome could only stand back against the tree behind her, her hands clasped over her mouth in shock so great her stomach turned. Finally, she had to gasp for air, startling the hunter, who crouched fiercely over his kill like a falcon mantling its prey.

Inuyasha jumped up from where he'd crouched over the deer, whirling with wild golden eyes to spot Kagome staring at him in some kind of horror. He glanced at the doe at his feet and realized with some shame that she'd seen him make the kill. Suddenly self-conscious, he wiped blood from his mouth on the back of his sleeve and stepped in front of the deer, hiding it from her view.

"Kagome, what are you doing here?" he demanded, half gruff and half startled.

"I...I came looking for...you," she quavered, slowly getting over her surprise. She wasn't too upset; it had just been so sudden, so shocking. Despite the warmth of his presence, she was suddenly slightly afraid as she approached him. She had been reminded once again--harshly--that this was not an ordinary human boy that she was walking up to. Inuyasha was half dog-demon; a powerful, dangerous fighter and a fast, deadly predator. Compared to his ferocity in battle and the vicious efficiency he'd demonstrated in dispatching the deer, she knew without a doubt that he treated her quite gently when he dealt with her.

"I found a deer," Inuyasha announced lamely as she came close. "I...uh...thanks for your help."

Kagome blinked. "Help?"

"I wasn't approaching right--I wasn't all the way downwind," the dog-demon admitted. "I saw it looking at something. Something was keeping its attention."

Kagome wasn't sure she felt proud or guilty. "You mean I...distracted her?"

"Well...yeah." Inuyasha seemed anxious not to upset her--as if the sight of one dead deer could upset her after all the torn apart demons and brutalized humans she'd seen in her time with him.

Kagome mustered a smile for him. Hesitantly, she drew out her hankerchief and dabbed at the remaining blood on his chin. "You're a mess," she scolded shyly.

Inuyasha blushed. "I...um...we should get back." He turned to the deer and hoisted the still-warm carcass over his shoulder. As he headed out, Kagome walking beside him, he chewed his lip and marshalled his courage. "I'm sorry I...scared you."

Kagome smiled again. "Oh, you didn't scare me. I was just startled. I didn't know you were there."

"Some people get upset when they watch me hunt. Mom never...well, she understood, but she never wanted to see me do it," he confessed.

"I've seen animals hunt before. On television, you know?" Kagome shook her head. "But it's still not the same as being there."

It seemed to take a lot less time to get back to the village than it had to wander all the way out. Kagome noticed the villagers watching them curiously. Shirokiba met them outside Kaede's house, and went around back with them to help butcher and hang the carcass. Kagome didn't want to stay for the "gross part," so she headed inside to help Kaede finish preparing lunch.

There was remarkable efficiency in the way the two demons prepared the deer. Their claws were faster, sharper, and more dextrous than any knife of steel. No cuts were botched and the butchering was absolutely clean. They could skin the doe perfectly without leaving a mark on the hide; Inuyasha folded the fresh pelt and set it aside, a contemplative look on his face.

The two demons talked, laughed, and joked as they cleaned out the carcass, reminiscing about happy times or having a chortle or two at Ginnezu's expense. Once in a while one of them would pop a particularly tender morsel into his mouth, after checking to see that no humans were watching. The meat itself they did not touch a single bit of--that was for their picky human friends. To the dog-demons, the tender organs were tasty delicacies; large bites of warm liver or fresh heart were deliciously enjoyed by the two hunters.

Once the deer was hanging, Shirokiba and Inuyasha ensured that the remaining unuseable entrails were disposed of before they attracted any unwelcome scavengers. They were just washing their hands in a bowl of water when Kagome arrived to announce that there was hot soup on the fire and ready to eat. Inuyasha was more than happy to enjoy a hot meal despite his snacking, and readily followed Kagome inside. Shirokiba was particularly hungry, as frazzled as he'd been spending all night watching after Ginnezu.

They all talked pleasantly as they came in, but Inuyasha became unsettled as soon as he came inside. There was a smell in the room--one that made the hair on his body prickle and stand up. He stood immobile just inside the doorway as he sniffed the air, his eyes both distant and focused. The others soon noticed his hesitance and looked at him. Kaede crossed the room in front of him, on her way to her storage chests, where she was putting away the last of her medicinal supplies. She carried a folded handful of bandages as she stopped near him, a look of concern on her face. "Are you hale?" she asked, seeing his pale face.

"Wh-what's that smell?" he asked.

Kaede raised a brow. "Fairy thyme and bloodberry," she replied simply. "Some of the village girls brought some in for me this morning. They're very rare--I haven't had any to use in years--but some of the best healing poltuces can be made from..." She trailed off, noticing Inuyasha swallow hard and stare at the bandages in her hand.

"What's wrong?" Kagome asked curiously from her place by the fire.

Inuyasha began to back away, his voice cracking. "I...uh...I have to...to go...um..." With one last helpless look at Kagome, he turned and fled out the door, his feet pattering down the hard-packed street outside.

Kagome and Kaede stared after him, rather surprised. "What was that about?" Kagome asked no one in particular, cradling her bowl of soup.

Shirokiba set down his own meal. "Excuse me," he said politely, following after Inuyasha at a more sedate pace. He, too, vanished without explanation.

"That was weird," Kagome spoke up for the third time.

Kaede sighed, setting the bandages in the chest. "Inuyasha must have some bad memory associated with the healing herbs of fairy thyme and bloodberry. Perhaps he was injured badly and someone healed him, and the scent brings memories of that time. However..."

"However what?"

"Only Kikyo, myself, and a few other holy men know the way to prepare the two herbs to make a healing poltuce. The two herbs are used mainly by demons in their healing remedies--few humans know of them."

"Then it must have been Shirokiba who--!" Kagome gasped. The rat pit! she realized. The herbs make him remember how he was hurt in the rat pit! Poor Inuyasha...he must have had a flashback or something! His face had been so pale, his eyes so large. It seemed he'd shrunk from a confident demon to a quivering puppy at the sight of the bandages in Kaede's hands combined with the scent of fairy thyme and bloodberry. Kagome wondered how that smell had the power to do that to him, when he'd held out so well against the rats they'd faced.

Inuyasha sat at the edge of the fields, hidden from view by the tall, grassy sledges that bordered the croplands. His knees were folded up to his chin, his arms wrapped around them. He simply stared into space, his ears set pensively.

"Are you alright?" Shirokiba asked softly, coming through the tall grass to crouch beside him.

Inuyasha lifted his chin from his knees. "It all came back. For a minute it was all back again."

Shirokiba sighed and sat down. "You can't keep running away from it, mutt. Sooner or later you're going to have to confront it."

"I can't." Once again, the dog-demon buried his face in his knees.

"If you don't, you're going to explode. I know what happened to you is terrible--I can never even begin to fathom what you went through. But you have to let it out someday, or it'll eat you alive."

Inuyasha said nothing.

"Even if you can't talk to me, there's a very concerned young lady back there who cares about you very much. She can help you, if you let her."

"She can't understand."

"No. But she can listen."

"She'll never understand. No one can!" Inuyasha's voice was heavy and choked. "It all came back in there, and it's in my head now, running backwards and forwards again and again... I barely got through with the rats in that damn cave. I survived that big rat-bastard you killed. I managed to keep it down through all that crap that happened. I thought since I made it through all that stuff that I had it under control--maybe I'd never have to feel it again. But...that one little thing--just those stupid herbs...they brought it all back...even worse than the rats did..."

Shirokiba didn't pry, not wanting to press him into speaking more than he chose to. He did not look in Inuyasha's direction; the young dog-demon would not want anyone to witness his tears, even though he hid his face. "Look, mutt...you can't hide from everyone forever. Sooner or later, this is going to come to a boil. Like the smell of the herbs--you can't predict when something will trigger it. Like the first time with Kikyo, when Naraku set you two off against each other. Do you want Kagome to have to see something like that? Huh?"

"No," Inuyasha replied miserably.

"Then I suggest you find a way to resolve this. I know it was horrible--I know what was done to you was wrong and painful and nothing can ever change that. But you can't keep it bottled up inside you like a festering sore--it will only get worse. You've pushed everyone away for so long that you're killing your own cure. I know Ginnezu's been no help, but she's the least of your worries right now. You should be more concerned about what you're going to do if you boil over again."

"I can't get away from this. It's in my head now and it won't stop..."

"Don't let it get to you. Give yourself some time and it'll subside. It's just a memory, Inuyasha, it isn't happening."

"I know that!" Inuyasha hissed, still not raising his head. "That doesn't make it any less real. I can still feel it...see it...smell it... My mother..."

"Easy, kid," Shirokiba said gently, with a light touch on his shoulder. He couldn't hope for more; Inuyasha's experiences had made him painfully shy of physical contact. "Have you had any nightmares lately?"

"Not...for a couple months, actually."

"Good. That's good. I hope this doesn't bring them back."

"It will. If it makes me this bad...it always does. Just a whiff of some damn herbs..."

They sat in silence for a long time, letting the afternoon's breezes ruffle their hair and warm their skin..

"I can't go back there right now," Inuyasha said softly. "Tell...tell Kagome I'm sorry. I...I'll wait for the air to clear...or something. I just...can't go back right now."

"I understand." Shirokiba got to his feet and slowly walked back towards the village. "Think about what I said," he called over his shoulder.

When his friend was gone, Inuyasha raised his head at last, revealing a face that was streaked with the trails of a few hard-fought tears. "Kagome," he whispered, his expression softening. "Kagome..."

Shirokiba could immediately sense Ginnezu in the trees across the street from Kaede's hut. He paused in the middle of the street, not looking in her direction but fully aware that she knew he perceived her.

"Leave him alone, Lady Ginnezu," he called out. "If you persist, you'll only make things worse."

No reply.

"Lady Ginnezu, if you push him too far, you won't like what will happen. He will snap, and you will die. He'll kill you."

Finally, a response. A silver-haired form dropped out of the tree. "Do not presume to order me to cease anything, Hunter," Ginnezu said coldly. "No half-Wolf bastard like you can challenge me. I will not be dissuaded from my prize. I will posess him." Her amber eyes glittered. "Damn you, I'll have this--I've been thwarted at everything I've wanted throughout my entire life--but dammit, this time I'll have what I want! I will have him!"

Shirokiba gazed at her, his expression both angry and pitying. "So be it," he said wearily. "But be warned: Inuyasha is already unstable--and a large part of it has to do with your arrival and your attempts at manipulating him. For you to continue would be disastrous. For you...and for him."

Ginnezu continued to glare, her head high.

Shirokiba sighed, turning away. "So be it," he repeated. "I will not speak to you again, Silver Lady."

In a moment, he was gone, returned to Kaede's hut. Ginnezu gazed after him for a time, her eyes hard, before leaping back into her tree to continue her meditations. She sniffed disdainfully; what did she have to fear? She was getting what she wanted--and no one could stand in her way.

To be continued...