The White Dog: Chapter 14

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Hours passed. Afternoon fell into evening, and still no Kagome. She had stormed off, angry and in tears, and it was to be expected that she would be gone for a time. However, when the sun touched the horizon and the shadows began to merge, a certain person became very concerned.

Inuyasha could bear it no longer, getting more and more antsy by the minute. Kagome wasn't coming back--perhaps something had happened to her! He shuddered at the thought. There were demons around, though--ones that wouldn't hesitate to snap up a tender morsel of human female.

Shippo did nothing; after Kagome left, he changed back into his clothes and curled up near her pack to nap. His sleeping form seemed to say to Inuyasha, "It's your fault, you take care of it."

Inuyasha growled. The kitsune could annoy and accuse him even when he was asleep! But it was true; his argument with Kagome was partly his own doing. He was man enough to admit that--to himself if not out loud. He silently hopped to the bank and trotted off in the direction Kagome had gone, following her distinctive scent through the riverside trees and up the gently sloping ridge

What was he supposed to do with her? He hadn't meant to get so angry about the book; she was only curious, but he was touchy about how people regarded him. If she thought he was just some stupid... He growled, cutting that line of reasoning off right there. He knew, deep down, that she didn't. What he didn't understand was why she was so very angry at him. He wanted things to be back the way they were, even if it meant shard-hunting and meaningless squabbles. Hell, he'd even welcome getting a sit and a screeching lecture from her. Anything, if only she wasn't really angry with him.

Her scent became stronger, closer. He found her lying at the base of a willow tree in a grassy glade, her towel wrapped around her like a blanket, her mostly-dry hair spilling around her shoulders. She was asleep in the soft grass; she looked so beautiful and vulnerable there, so completely alone. Her face was drawn and troubled.

The young dog-demon was quite surprised to hear the soft sob that emerged from her. He crouched beside her, ready to spring, seeing the tears leaking from her eyes as she trembled in the throes of some dream. What troubles her?

"Leave him alone..." she murmered, nearly sending Inuyasha leaping away from her in surprise. Her limbs twitched and jerked and her face twisted into expressions of fear and pain.

She's talking in her sleep. What is she dreaming? What's hurting her? Inuyasha leaned close, feeling as though he wanted to climb into her dream and protect her from whatever was tormenting her. Her stricken face and dream-shed tears cut into something deep within him.

"No...leave him alone..." Kagome sobbed softly again. "...let me go...Kikyo...stay away...don't hurt him..."

"Wait...Inuyasha...please...don't go away..." Kagome tossed violently, hands gripping her towel and turning her knuckles white. "Don't leave...I'm alone...please..."

Inuyasha came closer in beside her, ready to jump away, wishing to offer comfort but not sure how. Kagome, what's Kikyo doing to you? Is she leading me away again? Why am I leaving you alone?

Inuyasha froze, his heart suddenly pounding hard and loud in his chest and ears, his breath turning to ragged gasps as his blood heated in his veins. Talking in...her sleep... he thought incoherently. She...she can't lie in a dream! Can she...? He was dizzy--and he was perfectly balanced. He couldn't see straight--and everything was clear. He was confused--and he was certain. He was afraid--and he was overjoyed.

His expression was frozen somewhere between joy and horror, while his mind ran on frantically in denial. No...no, you can't be...Kagome, it's not right--you can't ruin your life for me. Kikyo already-- I can't do that to you! I don't want that to happen to you, too! It's not worth your pain. It's not right. You can't love me, girl--you just can't. You're too good and sweet and wonderful and pure. I know you said it in your dream but you can't really mean it--you just can't mean it...oh, Kagome...!

Kagome stirred suddenly, roused from her dream. Inuyasha froze again, and her sapphire eyes locked with his. She stared at him for a long time.

The cold weariness in her voice made him flinch. "You shouldn't go off alone around here," he growled, managing at the last moment to keep his customary brusque front, as if the whole thing--the arguments, and especially her admission--had never happened. Maybe they could just forget about it all and go back to the way things were.

"No, dammit! There's demons around here, you know!" Inuyasha left his sullen-growly attitude behind in favor of his outraged-yelling one. He felt something inside, something that he didn't understand but could only barely contain.

He flinched again, this time with an audible intake of breath. "That's low, Kagome, and you know it!" His voice, for once, was not a snarl or a shout. It was almost a questioning tone, almost plaintive.

"Come on, wench, get your tail off the ground and let's go! Or do I have to carry you?"

"Hello, Kagome!" He leaned close and spoke loudly at her. "We are in a wild region with several powerful resident demons that I happen to know for a fact frequent this area--" At least they did fifty years ago. "--and any one of them would be happy to find you here--for an evening snack!"

"It's the same whether I go with you or not, isn't it?" Kagome sighed. "One demon or another. Whether he's a dog or not." She didn't even look at him. She looked...lifeless and dull, as though her fire was gone. She looked weary; so very tired.

"What--but the--who do--?" Inuyasha spluttered helplessly, unable to form a jointed sentence. "But they don't--they'll--I'm--it's not--!" I'm not like them! he wanted to shout. I don't kill people for the fun of it! I don't enjoy blood and carnage like they do! They hurt people like squashing ants! They don't love anyone like I can! His stuttering ran to a halt with that thought. What the hell? I can't--don't love anyone!

"Why do you care?" Kagome asked. "It's not like I'm important to you or anything."

She's right. Why the hell am I out here making a fool of myself trying to save her neck? She was mean to me, she called me names, she called me "dog"... Can't I just walk away and leave her to her stupidity? Though he tried, he remained frozen to the spot. I can't. What is so important about this scrawny wench that puts me through a wringer every time? What is it about this little twit that makes me love her so much? I'd never--whoa! Ack! What the hell did I just think?

No! I don't love anybody! I know better than to let that happen... He looked at Kagome, her face turned away from him, and felt his iron will bend. I don't want to put her through what Kikyo and I...

But I...I do care about her... Inuyasha stared at her helplessly, coming to a sudden realization. I care about her. Why else would I worry about that dream, or come out here and beg her to come back? He came close, crouching by her side. For some strange reason, this proximity to her was doing funny things to his body temperature like it hadn't before. Especially with her wearing that swimsuit--that next-to-nothing piece of cloth. "Kagome...will you come back with me?" he asked, his rough voice nearly a whisper. "Um...please?"

Kagome's eyes snapped open, a surprised look on her face as she sat up and faced him. "You're...asking?" She noticed suddenly how close he was to her, and a faint blush appeared her cheeks.

"You're apologizing?" She put a cool hand to his forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"

He blushed and batted her hand away. "I'm fine! Now will you come back?" Damn, stop doing this to me! I'm trying to be nice.

Kagome looked at him for a long time, something unfathomable in her eyes. Finally, she spoke. "I suppose," she sighed. She rose up from the grass, and Inuyasha walked behind her as they made their slow way back towards the river.

Kagome contemplated her own experience and compared it to the argument she'd had with her nemesis/guardian/companion/friend. Was it just her or had something changed about Inuyasha? Maybe...maybe I went too far with the dog thing...or the water thing... But he's just so mean and difficult and proud! Why can't he just treat me nicely once in a while? Well...I wasn't being very nice to him, either...

Inuyasha struggled to keep from staring at her as he marveled at his own feelings. His mind was flooded with sudden awareness, as if a Pandora's Box had been opened, allowing everything--good and bad--to flutter out and bounce around in his head. Caring, ownership, affection, exhasperation, love, impatience, protectiveness...he could not find names for all the other emotions attatched to the girl in front of him.

I care about her. He could admit it to himself but not yet to her. Enough to waste my time keeping her safe. I protect her, with my life sometimes. Something I've never done--never had to do--for Kikyo. Hell, Kikyo had to protect me. But Kagome...in danger, she's almost helpless. She...she needs me like no one ever has. And...I protect her. I want to protect her--from everything! Must be the dog in me... Damn, that stupid book was right about that. But...I've felt this way for such a long time--what's made it come out now? What is it about a fight, an argument--not even a life-or-death situation--that's made me realize this? Why did it have to come from such a nasty quarrel--one she might never forgive me for?

A fleeting image of a boy named Hojo passed through his mind--an image where the modern boy stood with Kagome and they laughed and smiled like a happy couple--bringing with it a flash of unadulterated...jealousy? A familiar emotion, now that he knew what it was. He'd never realized that he was coming close to losing her. She would...give up on him if he continued to treat her thus. Hojo would take his place and Kagome would never come back... That little jerk--he has no right to touch her! She's mine! The firmness and posessiveness in his mental voice suprised him, bringing with it a helpless, thunder-crashing epiphany. Oh my God, I...love her.

Shouldn't I be happy? But she doesn't know she told me...and she doesn't know how I feel...

Inuyasha was jerked out of his internal soliloquy; interrupted at a crucial moment, he gaped at her for a bare moment. If he had not posessed the extraordinary hearing of a dog-demon, he would never have caught her whisper. "What did you do?" he grumbled, composing himself.

"I shouldn't have said those mean things to you," Kagome said softly, slowing her pace until he came up beside her. "And the book...it was wrong of me to think of you like that. It's not fair for me to pick on what you are. You can't help being a dog-demon, and I shouldn't insult that."

"You make it sound like there's something wrong with me!" he barked. I care so much about your opinion...if you think I'm a dog then what else is there for me?

"No, that's not what I meant!" Kagome hastily assured him. "If I get in a fight with you, I should be arguing with you, not insulting what you are. I just remembered some kids who used to tease me for being a...shrine girl...and I realized that dog jokes are totally unfair to you. I've been thinking about what you said all day; I guess what made me so mad was I knew I was wrong...and I didn't want to admit it to you." She was completely contrite, standing there with her head bowed and her eyes sad. "Inuyasha...I'm very sorry."

Inuyasha stared at her in surprise, suddenly touched. A little uncomfortable at her downcast expression, he shrugged a bit. "Well...I should apologize, too. You were making an effort to be nice, and...I flew off the handle. I shouldn't have...blown up at you like that. It's not...you I'm mad at."

She continued to stare at the ground. Lighten the mood, dog-boy, his brain scolded him. She needs something to make her smile!

Inspiration! With a sudden humorous, toothy grin, he wiggled his ears about, letting them flop at jaunty angles, making her look at him in surprise. "It was an honest mistake on your part," he said, in a tone that let her know he was joking. "I mean, these stupid fuzzy ears can be a little hard to ignore, you know?"

"But I like your ears!" Kagome protested. Then she blushed and giggled softly, both in embarassment and at how funny he looked with his ears all cockeyed. "You can be so silly sometimes," she said shyly through her laughter, wondering if he had suddenly gone insane or something. He was almost being nice--and why was he being funny for her? He'd never demonstrated much of a sense of humor before--why was he suddenly grinning and teasing?

"I've got a question for you, though," he said, straightening his ears and keeping his voice even.

"How come you didn't sit me when you were mad at me earlier? You've only sat me once today."

Kagome looked at the ground again, taking a deep breath. "After this morning...I promised myself I'd never say that word on you unless it was for a real reason, not just me being spiteful or mean or just mad at you. It's not fair to you and it's not right for me."

Inuyasha suddenly paused, gripping his prayer-bead necklace. "Then why don't you just take this whole damn thing off me?"

Kagome faced him, looking uncomfortable. "Because I don't know if... Sometimes you..."

"You don't trust me. After all this time you still think I'd turn on you?" His earlier hesitance was drowned in a feeling of betrayal. How can she love me and not trust me?

Kagome looked as though she were about to say something, then paused, reconsidering. "You want an honest-to-God answer?"

"So you do still think that way." Inuyasha's scowl deepened. "I'm still just a demon to you."

"What else do you expect me to think?" Kagome exploded, not quite shouting but coming close.

Kagome took a deep breath and spoke more evenly, though with no less force. "You call me horrible things. You threaten me and snarl at me all the time. You frighten me, Inuyasha! Half the time I feel as if the only thing standing between me and a swift bloody death is that rosary!"

"B-but...I'd never..." Inuyasha's voice stuttered, shocked at her brutal honesty. "I couldn't...!" I love you, Kagome. I know it now--I could never hurt you! his heart cried out, bared in honesty--but the words didn't reach his mouth.

"Have you ever looked in a mirror when you're mad, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked softly, not making eye contact, looking down instead of at his dumbstruck face. "You scare me when you're angry at me. Your fangs are horrible, and your hair gets bristly, and your eyes glow and...and...I get scared. And that word is all I have to deal with it."

Inuyasha gulped, internally cringing, seeing the bitter truth, the hole he'd dug for himself with all those loud arguments, cruel snarls, and empty threats. No wonder she was frightened; to all humans, demons were creatures of blood and death and horror, and he'd done nothing but reinforce that in her mind. She feared him still, somewhere deep inside. His own insecurities about his demonic nature were bad enough; her admission to moments of terror when he got angry was crushing. She still thought him bloodthirsty enough to lose control, even though she loved him.

I am such a jackass! What a horrible thing to put her through! "You...you can't think that I'd...I'd really hurt you...after all we've been through...?" I love you! I couldn't lay a claw on you! Can't you trust me?

"What am I supposed to think?" Kagome's face was composed and focused, more so than she'd been before. "Tell me why I should trust you, Inuyasha."

"Because I..." Because I love you--dammit, now why is that so hard for me to say? "I..."

Kagome would've giggled, had the situation not been so grave. He looked so helpless standing there, jaw slack and ears set crookedly in confusion and hesitation. "Well?"

"I...I've saved your life, haven't I?" he finally choked out. "If I wanted you dead, I could've just...just...let them have you!"

Kagome sighed. "But you need me, right? To find your Shikon Jewel, you need me and my ability to see its aura."

"Then what do you mean?" Kagome demanded. "I don't understand you sometimes! You talk like you hate my guts and you're always threatening me but then you turn around and you save my life and act like you care about me. What's the deal here? Tell me the truth!"

"I...I..." I don't want to spoil everything we have because of love! Look what happened to Kikyo--I don't want that for Kagome! Inuyasha pulled together every ounce of will. "I think...you're...my friend..." He looked up to her, unsure. "Aren't you?" God, that sounds so lame!

Kagome drew back with a deep breath. Something almost disappointed shone, quickly hidden, in her eyes. "Oh. Well, yes, I suppose I am. I mean, we've known each other long enough, right?"

"Right." Whew, she believed it. Now we can go back to the way things were before, and this time the girl I love won't get hurt. I'll keep it this way--we can at least be friends. "Um, do you want a ride back?" Why am I feeling so awkward all of a sudden?

She climbed onto his back, quiet and withdrawn. Inuyasha swallowed his feelings and loped off for the riverbank.